After a year away, I am returning to my roots and reviving the blog that helped launch my new life and career.
I’ve had every intention of writing in the past year. The 50 posts in my drafts serve as testament to that. I planned to write about new bakeries I tried and food events I went to for work and pleasure. There were some travel eats, and of course my own culinary creations. I even started about five versions of a New Year’s post. However, every time I sat down to write, nothing would come. Well, sometimes I’d get started but lacked the motivation to get to the heart of the piece. I’ve felt uninspired despite being immerse in some unbelievable moments in the food world.
Writing my usual posts full of joy for cooking and eating felt disingenuous given my mental state, which wouldn’t seem to improve no matter what I tried. I was stuck in a mental rut fueled by crippling depression. It’s hard to write anything of consequence when all my brain was stilted by numbness.
For months, I went to my “happy place” by the ocean, hoping to make myself feel something, perhaps even just a reminder that I am alive. All I felt was the cool ocean breeze on my face. The vacancy inside my head remained. It’s hard to imagine being able to look at this scene on the daily and not be in complete awe, but you can’t cure a brain with beautiful things.
I am simultaneously the person who felt the pure bliss of sitting down to a dinner party with Jacques Pépin (with food so good it took me out of my body) and the one who struggled to get myself out of bed the next morning. I am both of these people at once – someone who can laugh and share great wine with one of our greatest culinary icons, and also a person who is persistently mentally exhausted from fighting the constant battle in my head.
I may sound gloomy, but I do not at all regret my decision to come to Boston to pursue this new life. Going after what you want is amazing and thrilling, but it can also be scary and lonely. You just have to believe that the benefits will outweigh the challenges. Professionally speaking, I am on the right track. I switched jobs back in August, and I am looking forward to continuing my research as I work for the Food Studies Programs at Boston University. I am glad to be putting my degree to use.
Personally, I can’t say that I’m doing fantastic at present, but being just fine has got to be good enough for now. I’ve worked little by little to pull myself back together. I am finally starting to make friends, a task that was long-delayed due to the pandemic. I might actually be on my way to finding my community in Boston.
One sign that I’m starting to do better is that I want to read and write again. I crave it even. I have been furiously consuming writings about diet culture and the messages we receive about how fuel our bodies in a thin-centric world. I am ready to funnel my energy back into research and advocacy through my writings. I’ll also be posting some new recipes and food adventures along the way.
I don’t know if I will shake the feeling that I have failed to live up to people’s expectations of me, but I only care about my own hopes for myself anymore. It’s going to be a long journey to a state of peace, but to quote my favorite Taylor Swift song, “this is me trying.”
Catie Cooks 